Thursday, July 13, 2017

Is Loving a Black Man a Revolutionary Act?

Is Loving a Black Man a Revolutionary Act?

Ashton P. Woods

*It should be noted that I am writing from my perspective, which is that of a Black, masculine presenting, same gender loving Atheist living with HIV. I will be writing about my thoughts and experiences as an activist, human and life in general. These posts will not be academic or even properly written in some of your opinions.

Black people are the most amazing humans to walk this earth and our love is revolutionary in ways that just cannot be measured. In terms of romance, Black men are some beautiful creatures, from our intellect to our immense emotional capacities, we are fucking beautiful. But, we don't say it enough. Why does our love HAVE to be a revolutionary act as opposed to something that should come natural? We have hang ups, preferences and likes that can be problematic, as well as our personal shit to contend with. So, when I ask the question,"Is Loving a Black Man a Revolutionary Act?" I am taking into consideration all of the societal bullshit place on us and the shit we place onto ourselves...

Society loves to cast Homosexuality as deviant, they call it homophobia. But, being homosexual while Black comes with its own set of circumstances and issues to deal with. Let, me start by saying that the collective Black community is not the most homophobic group in the world. Still, people who look like us can be vicious and downright annoying as fuck when they stand on their heterosexual soap box. Heteronormative society and the straight people (and those who like to walk in and out of the closet) who benefit from the privileges afforded by said society make it hard for love to be expressed freely and openly by same gender loving men.

Societal norms are heteronormative...

1. Heteronormative society has created stereotypes and boxes for same gender loving men, standards that tend to go by they measure their own relationships.

2. They reduce our complex feelings and emotions down to sex by asking the one question that makes my blood boil! Who is the man and the woman in the relationship?

3. All Black SGL men are supposed to be fem, which probably is one of THE root causes to effemiphobia among SGL men.

4. They ask if we want to be women because we identify as SGL, which is Transphobic or Anti trans as fuck.

We cannot measure ourselves by heteronormative standards! We just can't, but a lot of us do. It is highly sad and unfortunate that we do this to ourselves, because we self - internalize homophobia, and all the other oppressions that come with being Black & SGL. But here are some of the things that directly hinder us...

Interracial Dating:

We all have to start somewhere. I think that there was a moment that I almost fell into a trap of THINKING Black men couldn't handle a relationship with me. I kept seeing Black men I was attracted to exclusively with very light skinned Black men, non Black POC and White men. Been subjected to hearing they only date non Black people and even further say they only date White people. All of this as while being exposed to media on all formats that constantly show images of interracial relationships. As if  Black couples don't exist! We Exist!

I almost let this anti Blackness push me into doing the same thing a few years back. Yes black men are a hand full, but not enuf to cast them into the junk pile. I have said many times that interracial relationships don't bother me as long as the Black person is not anti Black. BUT. I have had visceral reactions to seeing Black men cling to their non Black partners when I come into the space.and their partners being more pro Black than them. it is a sad space to be in.


Effemiphobia is the fear ^hate of men who are too effeminate in the societal view of what a true man should look, act, and speak like. In terms of being SGL, INTRA racial hate toward effeminate men is a huge issue.

"No fats, NO FEMS"

1. Certain folk like to be discreet, and I respect that until it becomes a prejudice. The side eyes and the smart ass remarks toward people who can't help but to be who THEY are.

2. I would submit that some are jealous because they put themselves on self imposed prison sentences that involve not expressing one's true self.

3.Some of you like the benefit of being seen as straight, able to walk in and out of the closet and having someone who could be their soulmate on their arm just can't be fem.

In my eyes these anti fem folks are fuck boys. I saw this posted on Facebook:

"What do you do with gay men/women who do not embrace the gay community? You love them thru. Everyone's journey is different!"

I found it to be true and problematic, because this person has many people connected to them who fit one of the 3 points that I made above. It really is easier said than done. I truly have a deep respect for people coming out as Gay, Lesbian or Bisexual (and other closets) in their own time. I dont believe in outing people. PERIOD. BUT I have no remorse or respect for those who benefit from the work and struggles of people (especially fems) who are out and  open with who they are while taking part in subjugating, bashing and stigmatizing us for being out at the same time. But then there are the ones who really need to have all the seats in the nearest stadium... The ones that walk into and out of their LGBT identities when it suits them. You see them in spaces full of pride and other spaces where they won't even acknowledge your presence. Then they tone police about one being too out, sticking to certain topics and etc... all the while silent as fuck on issues that affect us. These are folks I love from a distance. Also, I can't condone folks who knowingly walk into heteronormativity without issue, and uphold societal standards that are detrimental to both our Blackness and sexual orientations.

Body Image Standards

We have so many hang ups, unrealistic standards and stereotypes that SGL men face in our own community. It really is hard to be YOURSELF in this environment. Our body size, weight, height and looks are overly scrutinized on a constant basis. The stares, taunts and injustices that we face as Black folks is compounded when you add in this madness to the equation. What makes this worse is that a lot of it comes from within our own community and it is so insidious...

"NO FATS, No Fems"

The first time you saw someone begin a statement begin a statement with "no fats," how did you feel? I want you to think about that really hard. It's EVERYWHERE you go in terms of Apps and social media. When it comes to dating, well hook ups...Grindr, Jackd, Scruff, Growlr, other apps and websites are full of fatphobic assholes who clearly have self esteem issues.

Everyone has a RIGHT to their preferences to pleasure, but it becomes prejudice when you openly post it as if you HATE larger people. There is a better way to say things, not everyone is built to be a size 32 to 36 waist, not everyone is muscular and not everyone is able to workout due to disabilities. There are a host of things like ableism and etc that people perpetuate when someone says "no fats." Let people be! When was the last time you seen a thickem or a larger guy in porn?

Thick vs ACTUAL Thick 

You know what really grinds my gears? These big boy groups, FB pages, Reddits, blogs and etc that NEVER actually SHOW images of ACTUAL thick and larger men. It is sad to see these glamorized, oil slicked dudes that are fully muscular and "flawless instead of more dudes with not so smooth skin, actual body fat and etc. Just look at these google searches either really lean and sexualized or on the larger end satire and fat in between. Its sad.

I personally posted this picture (below) to social media after being annoyed with what I see on a regular basis, FATphobia...

For those in the middle like me, we need to see more of this, more of ourselves.

Skinny Does Not Equal HIV

For those who like to talk bad about folks for being skinny, or thin...y'all need to stop. Often I see people on the smaller side get diagnosed with HIV by folks who buy the stereotypical image of what a 1980s AIDS patient was portrayed to look like. While most of the folks today don't progress from HIV to AIDS, HIV does not have a face, anyone of any size can have HIV! People have high metabolism and others have illnesses and its time that we become conscious of how we treat people.

Pretty privilege

It is something that must always be checked. Light skinned, Physically fit, pretty eyes, clear skin and a host of other features that people check off on a list for what appeals to them. These preferences can become prejudices, actually many are out right prejudices. It is sad that folks still treat those with darker skin tones with disregard. Colorism. Its sad that folks think that short stature equals weakness and tall equals strength....

I'm going to let Janet have the last word on this:

"Pretty privilege can give way to more popularity, higher grades, more positive work reviews, and career advancement. People who are considered pretty are more likely to be hired, have higher salaries, and are less likely to be found guilty and are sentenced less harshly. Pretty people are perceived as smarter, healthier and more competent, and people treat pretty people better. Pretty privilege is also conditional and is not often extended to women who are trans, black and brown, disabled, older, and/or overweight." - Janet Mock

HIV Stigma:

For a long time I hid my HIV status unless I knew that I will be sexually active and had always felt that it was no one's business. I walked right out of that closet, but I did not come out for me alone. I came for everyone who has been:

- Ostracized
- Made to feel nasty
- Made to feel contagious

I realized I and so many others hid (and for some, still hiding) this part of ourselves for YOUR comfort, for the random sessions of pseudo-intimacy or even for the goal of true romance. We can no longer sacrifice our sanity and unapologetic nature for the sake of being able to date, for sex or even true intimacy. I am fucking tired of explaining how this works after disclosing my status and I others like me are tired too. I'm tired of telling you how good and well I take care of myself in order to keep my health in check so YOU can feel comfortable about fucking...when you outchea doing all kinds of shit without "proper protection."


HIV negative people are more dangerous to us than we are to them, sitting there judging us in your tiny little minds, deeming us to be promiscuous and hoeish. Just look at the posts on social media and conversations that are centered on the subject of HIV, and the stigma you all perpetuate is so fucking blatant.

"they are out sleeping with everyone and not disclosing their status"
"why do you even tell people?"
"You are too out about being POZ..."

HIV negative Negroes are comfortable and justify liking to fuck raw and random while claiming to be drug and disease free for random hookups and dont even know your actual damn health status. we should all be weary of doing anything with a dude who knows nothing about their status, it means they may have other STDs & STIs. Honestly, you should be ok with how you like to fuck, but don't stigmatize POZ people in the process.

We are not your secret.
We need to address this fear, this stigma about HIV that YOU, my fellow black SGL men have.
We need to have a real conversation about how this really works and how we hurt each other in the process.

Is loving a Black man a revolutionary act? In spite of all of the hindrances listed above and the ones not covered like religion and respect for Trans men, YES, it is a revolutionary act!

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